Hidden Depths
It has been a while since I wrote a blog, for that I apologise. I have been busy creating a programme to help Parents and Teachers teach children about grief. Ironically, parts of this journey have caused me grief!
Having approached our Board of Education, who’s representative acknowledged the need but unsure where they would run the programme, to writing to various schools asking to come and talk has felt frustrating to say the least, and yes, I have been grieving.
How you ask? Great question!
Because my hope was that this would be warmly received as I am told it is very much needed. The big dream is that this will be taught in every school and my expectation (based on the feedback for the need) was that this would be an instant “YES” which of course, it has not! YET!
WHEN IS A LOSS, A LOSS?
It very much felt like a loss, because I had been working on this for 18 months at the point of launch. I have invested in people to create and proofread the workbooks. I felt despair when a reply from one school said, “we already have grief covered in schools” and my reply was lengthy. They do not have this programme which is about tools before the child endures a significant loss and that is not just a death!
Deep breaths. I have learned to share such hurdles with my fellow coaches that know how passionate I am about this project and a solution is being sort. I am so very grateful for this support.
Would you have seen that as a loss? Would that have felt like a loss to you? Would you have known that you were grieving?
Not many people would. They would perhaps use phrases like “I am feeling out of sorts” or “I am feeling depressed that things are not opening up as I had hoped.” I temporarily felt like that but knew enough to know that I was sad and pre-grieving a potential loss.
Of course, with that came a surge of energy that said, right I will find another way….and with the help of my Business Coach, I am! That is also when I started having some fun with this, meeting different people for lunch, reconnecting with old work colleagues that might be interested and jumped at an opportunity to talk as a keynote speaker.
How many things have you tried in life that have not gone according to plan? Probably a lot, but in that journey, what other great things arrived from this?
FROM BREAKDOWN TO BREAKTHROUGH
We have a saying in coaching “with every breakdown comes a breakthrough” the difference is, coaches don’t normally stay in that space too long. Either they can coach themselves out of it, or call someone in their coaching community for an empowering conversation. We acknowledge that we have been triggered by something which is an opportunity for us to learn more about ourselves and grow as a person.
The pain of overwhelm, frustration, depression can keep you stuck in those moments in life. Perhaps where you cannot see or feel a way out. We can keep ourselves in that space for days, months or years. Living that loop. Feeling negative and hearing yourself being negative towards yourself.
What often happens then is an energy shift because your vagus nerve has had enough and your spirit inside wants the best for you, you start looking for support to make those changes.
RECOGNISING ANGER AND BUSYNESS
Perhaps it might be anger that arrives to help you shift, perhaps you may start venting to someone… as much as that person may feel the need to support you, hearing your own words out loud can often help you make shifts. And the best release, tears. Let them flow reducing naturally the stress anxiety or anger that you have been holding onto. As I say to my clients, they water the future so let them flow.
This is the point that a well-meaning friend might start quoting myths around loss to you! Don’t feel sad. When you have had a loss of any kind, you will grieve depending on how attached you were to that loss (or potential loss) so it is perfectly OK FOR YOU TO FEEL SAD! And follow through on the last paragraph if necessary!
At moments like this you may feel the need to ‘keep busy’ so you do not sit and ponder about this situation. That can work for some, but I find it just delays the outcome. If I am worrying about ‘x’ and trying to work on ‘y’ I am not giving ‘y’ my full attention. In these moments I find journaling helps me a lot. I have a writing exercise to follow through on if emotions still remain high, but often it is enough to write it out on paper. That way I am not carrying the situation in my head or as mentioned, find a coach! Share your preferred method below, it can help someone. If you would like the writing exercise, email me Diane@lifeafterlossiom.com.
Frustration can be my biggest issue. I have an idea, I have planned and worked on this idea, shown and shared with many who say, “we need this” leaving me in a situation that still appears to be ‘waiting.’
SABOTEURS!
This is also an opportunity to look at what saboteurs are showing up and joining the pity party! Identifying them at least gives you someone else to shout at! My money mindset coach said to “see them as your board of directors.” Sometimes they help, sometimes they hinder. Ultimately, these are habits and programming we have picked up as we grown up from those around us. So, my victim, hyper-achiever and restlessness saboteurs were very much noisy participants of my board for a few days! Once you recognise this you can tell them all to shut up! Again, realising that they are not helpful, and they are distracting means, you can deal with them quicker! If you are unaware of your saboteurs, then visit www.positiveintellegence.com and find the quiz. One of the most empowering things that I have done!
EXCUSES AND COPING
Then came the next hurdle. My money mindset coach said “have you heard about human design?” “No” I replied. Another quiz revealed that I am what they call a “projector.” I won’t go into that too much now but basically, a projector must ‘wait for the invitation’ or if they try and push themselves onto a third party, can be left with feelings of bitterness.
Oh lord, another hurdle to overcome! But it was also very interesting. It made total sense to me and the issues I have been having not just now but throughout my life. When I have been invited to work for people (no interview just offered the job) things have run very smoothly. While waiting for clients to decide if they do want to work on their grief, (which can be hard seeing people decide if they want to live in that pain/place but know it must be their decision) that when are ready to do so … all flows so well.
Then waiting for an invitation made sense, but not an excuse!
After I had finished the pity party, I was fired up and gave myself permission to keep going. I found the right people to help me, and I know that I have more to share to help people to understand that ‘grieving a loss of any kind can have a devastating impact on your mind and body.’
What do you do when you have had a bad week? Go for a drink? Buy cake? Or go for a long run? Of course, the last suggestion is a healthier one, except if it is continuous and you do not give your body time to rest in between. They are called STERBS. Short Term Energy Releasing Behaviours and we all do these to help us feel better, rather than acknowledging the grief.
In this next series of blogs I am going to cover more of these hidden depths where unresolved losses lurk, because these are the hidden killers. Holding onto them causes stress, anxiety, depression and has even been linked to PTSD, all because the person doesn’t realise that they are grieving a loss.
What life challenges have you or are you now thinking about? Sometimes, just to acknowledge these things can help us make the shift that is needed.
Need an empowering conversation? Give me a call.
With love
Di Parker
The Good Grief Coach.
Ps. If you are a parent, guardian or teacher interested in learning more about the children’s programme “Why Children Need To Talk About Grief” then please do reach out for more information.
Life after Loss
