The Hidden Depths Series continues and In case you were wondering, you matter!
This week marks the 8th year of my husband’s passing. Some days it seems like only yesterday, yet others so long ago.
There have been so many changes that have happened, indeed as with most families. This is what I would like to share with you today.
Because of what I do, I have come to acknowledge these “happenings” for what they are, a loss and I have been grieving.
My late husband would sometimes feel like no one cared. Because he had kept a lot of his illness to himself and from immediate family, he would be there to support others, yet sometimes felt that they were not there for him. I only hope that he was around to see the turnout for his funeral to know that this is untrue.
Many clients have shared the heartache of friends who didn’t reach out or who saw them and crossed the road to avoid conversations after their loss. Not only are they grieving the loss of their special person, but grieving a relationship they thought they knew.
This is often because people do not know what to say, so they try to avoid the conversation, perhaps thinking that they will chat in the months that follow, to give that person space.
When I explain this to those clients, more empathy appears. We acknowledge the pain, as we are working together on their grief, bringing forgiveness of that person for their own wellbeing. That leads to acceptance and no doubt a kinder conversation when they do finally meet.
Top Tip For You
Incidentally, if you find yourself in those sad circumstances it is perfectly alright to approach the person who is hurting and say, “I am so sorry for your loss, there are no words” follow up with a hug if that is you, and ask “is there anything I can do for you?” Do not fill the silent space but allow the person to talk. If they are not ready to talk, simply sit with them and be present. “I’ll just sit with you here for a while if I may.” Do you know that can be one of their greatest gifts.
Do not say “I know how you feel” because you do not. You might be able to relate, but you do not know how someone else is feeling.
Do not compare “Oh this happened to Mrs Bloggs and she’s doing well, you will too.”
This will leave the person feeling angry or worse, in a depressive state.
What life didn’t prepare me for after his passing was the other changes that occurred in my family. You would have read in a previous blog about estrangement, but it is also those family members who you had become close with, that you see and feel shift in the years that follow.
Letting Go Off Children
There is an element of letting go when children leave “the nest,” and we grieve them no longer being with us, yet are also excited for the adventures ahead. With children currently finishing school in the UK to move to university, this can hit parents hard, albeit we see it logically as the next step, do not disregard the feelings in your heart.
The work that I do helps you with understanding grief and you would recognise that those experiences are also losses. Then there maybe fear… how will they cope, how will they feed themselves, who is going to be therefore them to support them in their struggles? This is pre-grieving.
If you haven’t already, you have (at the time of writing) 4 weeks to show them how to cook, clean, shop, budget, set boundaries, exercise and for them to have down time in their busy schedules! To enjoy the experience and have some fun.
Unexpected losses
We were a very tight-knit family. I truly believed in the phrase “the family that plays together stays together” alas this was not to be. For your immediate family, perhaps but I think I took this saying literally, indeed included other children I looked after in my journey of bringing them up.
As they grew, we invented different ways to help keep the fun element of being together going. Each Christmas we used to dress up in the evening. Each family would take a turn in picking a theme. We started this when we had Christmases after my father-in-law died. Yes, we had had the odd dressing up party, but this became a Christmas event and something I really looked forward to.
After my husband died, we did about two before the interest dwindled. I came to realised that this “special time” that we had together was stopping. Those children were now creating their own type of Christmases, and the family around me drifted into spending (quite rightly) a different time with the new extended families that had joined theirs.
As this ‘watering down’ of connections happen, other decisions can be made that hurt equally. As much as you can logically understand them, you can find yourself on the periphery of family occasions, ones you cannot help thinking if my husband was alive, we would have been invited to. You could go down the rabbit hole of believing that you do not matter.
Would you have known those to be losses and that you were grieving?
Here is what to do if you are experiencing this type of loss.
1. Feel into the loss and allow any grief to arise, cry if you need to. You are experiencing another end of a familiar pattern of behaviour.
2. Take yourself off to the beach and pick up a stone. Place your anger, upset, frustrations into the stone and throw it into the sea.
3. Stand in a field and shout your head off. Alternatively use a pillow!
4. Write out any hurt that you are carrying on a page. Do not stop for punctuation, capitals, paragraphs because no one is going to read it. So do a ‘hurt dump.’ Perhaps burn after you have finished as a cleansing.
5. Give yourself space to allow those feelings to settle. Logic brain might help here, the age the people are, they are getting on with their own nest as they should.
6. Be kind to yourself. Think about any changes you have enjoyed, people that you have attracted into your life, make some fun plans with them.
7. Try tapping, grounding, love kindness and compassion meditations (videos on Youtube).
8. Epsom salt soak, 20 minutes as hot as you like your bath and relax both body and mind.
9. Make sure that you get into REM sleep.
Avoid
1. Emotional eating.
2. Drinking to comfort yourself.
3. Sitting in anger or even hate. Revisit above!
Emptying these emotions out, understanding that you are grieving allowing all the energy out means that you will not feel the need to keep them bottled up inside. Holding energy in is stressful and that energy can appear when you are not expecting them, when you are next triggered by similar feelings.
Acceptance
“This too shall pass” is one of my favourite quotes that I tell myself often when these emotions are triggered. Pain arrives to show you that there is something to deal with, once you understand the loss. You now know that you are or were grieving. How attached you are to that loss, depends on how much you grieve. Peace to emotions/situations arrive when we find acceptance.
When were you last triggered by that kind of loss? If you need any help, let’s jump on a complimentary call. https://calendly.com/goodgriefcoach/30min.
You do matter
Know this for sure, you do matter. Your life may look extremely different now, as indeed mine does. I now have a new partner and his children in my life. I am joyful to know that I have granddaughters, even if I don’t see them, I know that they are about. I now have my parents living with me albeit in a separate part of the home, enjoying renewed connections with them. There was a chunk of time lost when my own “nest” took my time and focus. I am grateful for that. None of that would have happened if I had not been here or mattered, right?
I end with one request, you have come this far, read this blog now, will you please go and do something nice for you!
With love
Di
The Good Grief Coach
Life after Loss
