And you had no idea that you are grieving!
I was recently on a course that friends were hosting called “The Entrepreneurs Journey” and met some wonderful new people. As much as I had done this course before, I love taking time out to go over the material and create new ideas. (Information below about how you can find out when their next course will be!)
Eye Opening Moments
We were divided off into groups of two to discuss our businesses and by listening offer some ideas. Such fun. Anyway, I was paired up with a lovely lady who had moved from South Africa. I started talking about Grief and how people see this more linked to bereavement but not always to things like divorce, financial issues, health issues etc. Then I said “or like your good self who has moved not just house, but country.”
Her eyes widened and she teared up. Until that moment she had not realised that she had been grieving leaving her beloved country. I then asked her how long she had been on the island (Isle of Man) expecting her to say a few months… Jess said “11 years!” “Wow” I replied, “that is a long time to be grieving a loss such as that.” We agreed to meet up for a coffee after the course in order to explore this loss further.
This exchange felt right for me too, as she has some skills that I currently need so a coffee catch up was arranged.
Jess and I met, and I asked her to start her story from the beginning from what she had felt had been triggered for her. Jess had had to leave her country because of a business opportunity for her husband which had brought them to the island.
They had had to up route their children from family and friends. This journey was only supposed to be temporary, two years, but as mentioned it was now 11 years!
Jess had continued to live in her country in her mind. She was conscious of what her children were missing, not being connected to those family members indeed the interaction and getting to know their cousins was a big heartache for Jess. She lived with a fear of “never seeing them again.”
I asked her if she had ever been back. “Yes” she replied, “we have been back for holidays” to which we both chuckled as she realised that that statement was untrue, but emotionally it had not landed.
This then triggered another thought for her, that when she landed in her home country, she was instantly thinking about leaving to return to the island so was only half present to actually being with her family and friends. Jess had found the whole experience stressful. She shared, “We would come back happy but exhausted!”
Light bulb moments were appearing. Because she was told that she would only be on the island for 2 years, she had also not engaged as deeply as she might have with people she met. Afterall she would also have to leave those people at some point which equalled more hurt! This had created loneliness in her life by making these decisions unconsciously.
So, in order to protect herself from future losses, she was maintaining a distance to try and not feel the hurt of that potential loss, yet was denying herself close relationships here…and had been doing that for 11 years!
Why Comparing Can Keep You Stuck In Grief
Jess started talking about what in her perspective her children were missing out on. I pointed out that these again were her losses. Her children had been here (on the island) for 11 years, they have settled and made new close friends over the years, growing up within the schools connecting with their peers. This constant comparing was keeping Jess stuck in grief, and she had not realised.
A little note on comparing here: This is what we are taught to do as we grow. Perhaps firstly with your siblings, oh Sarah could ride a bike at your age…or from school, you announce how many spellings that you had got right on today’s test 6 out of 10, a new record…when you hear those words…”and how did Lucy do?” Your heart sinks as you know Lucy achieved 9/10 as usual. And so, we go through life comparing ourselves to others and their achievements, wondering often “what is wrong with me, why can’t I do xyz”. Or body shapes sizes etc the list goes on….. STOP! You are unique, there is only one of you! If you want to compare yourself, just do that to yourself. If you ran a 3k race aim for 6k, 13K or a marathon. Those are your hopes, dreams and (after training) expectations to complete. Look to your own PB!
Of course, we spoke about the various ways in which we can keep in touch now with relatives, and not just ones in far off places. I use social media to stay connected to a lot of my extended family.
Her original country was her home and in her heart was still living there. Until we spoke, she had not realised that she was grieving. The political state of her country means also that it is not likely that they will return any time soon. This raised the issue “where is home?” Living here without her own family close to her had been really hard for Jess. She was sad that her children were not experiencing their lifestyle and sharing their culture which was their heritage.
As with most parents, home is where your children are. Until they move of course! A fear for Jess was that she wouldn’t have a home set up for her children to feel at home, for them to return to. We talked more at length about that, helping her to see that home for the children will be wherever she and her husband are! She laughed as she shared that they had actually just bought a house, their first home on the island.
She had been approaching this house as a temporary move and acknowledged that she needed to put more love into being present in that home to help make it feel the way she truly wanted it to.
Jess said that there was a big community of people from her country here stating “doesn’t mean we are all alike. Sometimes it’s a community coming together rather than a connection.” But acknowledged that she had in fact made close friends.
Hidden Depths Released
Just talking about the hidden depths of unresolved grief was enough to help her look at her life from a different perspective.
I am pleased to share that a lot of reframing, looking at different perspectives was enough to help Jess make some heart-warming changes.
- Her children were in fact extremely happy here. They know no different.
- Home is where my family is, not a physical building.
- We do have friends here and are blessed.
- She is working on the barriers that she had put into place and is having fun removing them!
- Since buying a house that she is making a home, her family have settled better and it is a blessing.
The effect of unresolved hidden grief had had a big impact on her and the way she had been living the last 11 years. Perhaps you too can relate. As we grow and evolve, we can be triggered by so many hidden losses, what do you do? Push them back down, shake them off to be “something in the past that you cannot do anything about” or how about saying “ha, I see you and now I am going to do something to shift you because I no longer want to wear you!”
Unresolved grief does affect our lives, our decision making, how we are showing up in the world. Once unearthed, do yourself a favour and find support to clear that stagnant energy. To free your body mind and spirit to live your best life.
Last Word From Jess
My thanks to Jess for permission to share her story with you in order that you too can be free.
Jess said “I shared this story with a friend, and she teared up, stating that it was so sad. And you know what, I smiled with such peace and in that moment, I knew I’d worked through it! I am not sad anymore, I’m excited about my life here now and what may come next! Thank you for that Di! I feel such relief….I will continue to treasure SA and my precious people there, but its given myself permission to leave that behind now.”
The power of a conversation about grief and loss!
Love
Di
The Good Grief Coach
Ps Please contact Justin Tipper or Jan Tinsley to find out more about the Entrepreneur’s Journey
Pps If you can relate to Jess’s story and would like to find out more, you can book a complimentary call with me on calendly/goodgriefcoach