On a recent course we were asked to look into ourselves and ask “why do I do, what I do?”. For me that was an easy answer, but they insisted that we “dug deep” when answering this question.
I want people to understand the emotion of grief, and the impact that not knowing this emotion well, has on us physically and mentally.
For me, as I was going through the process of early grief for the loss of my husband Andrew, at least in those first 4 weeks after his death, my head felt “spongy”. I could have moments of clarity, but then nothing. It was hard to hold a thought for too long. Then, when I returned to seeing clients, I could be focused in that space of an hour, but would have to arrange power naps after I felt so drained physically. I am good at boundaries, so it wasn’t what the client was bringing up, it was just me – trying to keep myself together.
Other times, I would sit feeling a heavy heart of deep depression trying to worm its way into me. The feeling of how hard it would be to keep going on with my own life. It was not suicidal thoughts, but the recognition of how hard it was going to be without my husband with me.
I could feel a deep sharp pain in my chest like someone had stuck a knife in my chest. Using all the coaching techniques I had in my tool box, I could not shift this pain. What is worse for me, it felt like a block between the connection that Andrew and I had. That hurt me more than anything.
I spoke with my good friend and colleague about this feeling. I said that I wanted to find steps to help me heal, an action plan. I was sick of hearing my own story, going around in loops, which is a constant when people ask you “what happened”. One person asked how I was feeling, I felt relief in that moment, but then as I spoke, and I know it was her not wanting to feel the pain, so she changed the subject. I knew why but felt hurt.
I had “googled” grief, and Cruise Bereavement came up, how to become a counsellor came up, but nothing that I was looking for. And I wanted something now, not 6 months down the line!
I said to my friend, “I am going through this for a reason, and if I don’t find anything, you and I are going to sit down and write a programme, I never want anyone else to go through this pain who wanted to find a way forward”.
Dianne said that she had heard of something and would look into that to see if it was an option. And she did. The Grief Recovery Method.
Before this discovery, my little sister was diagnosed with cancer and I had to stop my grief, “pull myself together” to support my family through this next journey. I actually had resentment towards her at first. I was still in pain in my own grief. What I didn’t know was that because I was going through things with Andrew, my family had not told me concerns about her, until it was diagnosed. When my family reached out to me to talk about this, I said “mum I can’t deal with this, I am not in a good place to help”. Her reply was “well how do you think I feel”. At that moment I was so angry with her, with my sister, how dare they “interfere” with my grief. They dismissed my pain.
That is how it felt emotionally, logically of course, I knew that my mum couldn’t face her own grief, she would always keep busy. My other sister, her twin was busy looking after her children and now Pauline’s two. And Dad, well, he just was processing in his own way.
So I had to do what any “big sister” ends up doing. Putting myself aside and dealing with Pauline’s hospital routines. I think that my mum expected me to take over looking after her, but I had to work. In case they hadn’t noticed…I was on my own!
Thank goodness for the Grief Recovery Method (“GRM”) and it’s training. Now 11 months after my husband’s death, I am on this course with my friend Dianne taking myself through these steps. First 3 parts, educational. About how we are taught how to deal with grief, or as in most cases, not! And the last 3 parts how to heal the pain of your losses.
On the healing side, I learned that I also had to grieve my ‘hopes dreams and expectations’ of what future I had planned with Andrew. Logically yes, I know that he was dead, but there was this part of me that had not made that connection and it was yet to be grieved. When I did, I howled as much as the moment he died.
But I am also the person who observes myself! When we loose someone, there is so much trauma and shock, that the force of the current would be enough to “blow our brains out”. So the body drops dopamine on us to stop that from happening. This is why you experience a spacy feeling.
In that moment, you are feeling in a different time and space to everyone else. Their conversations can be like you are listening through a glass, it takes great effort to focus on their words, you can start to worry about “is there something wrong with me”. Then the clarity will come and you think, ok, nope, this must be grief.
There was also confusion. Trying to make sense of what has happened. Everything you knew has gone, (or at least that is how I felt). No matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to have the space to make a decision in your mind.
If you imagine your brain as a computer, it is like someone has gone around the back and pull most of the wires out. You have enough to turn it on, have it light up but nothing is working properly.
When I completed the GRM training, and grieved my hopes dreams and expectations, something strange happened. In that moment, I went inside of myself. I could feel a warmth rising up from my feet, through my body and when it got to my heart, I felt the pain I had been carrying like a knife, dissolve. The warmth continued up through my body and into my head. In my head those “computer wires” that had felt like they were floating for months, unable to make any connections, well in that moment, I could feel each one find a place to land and “plug back in”. The peace I felt in that moment was so connected and spiritual for me. I felt great. I felt like the block between Andrew and I had dissolved and I could “feel” him once more. That was so important for me.
Returning home, I also felt in another “place” to be with Pauline. I could be present to what I was now supporting her with as I felt should have been. I was able to have conversations with her about her process, buried or cremated. Answered her questions to the best of my ability about spirit. I understood that she did not want to think of nothingness. We spoke about a bigger connection and how much closer I now felt to Andrew since the course.
Also for me, how important it was that her children were spoken to and supported in the right way. The consequences of this can and does impact people and the way that they live their lives. For example, a child looses a pet, the parent replaced the pet “at the weekend” not stopping to talk to the child about their feelings towards the pet and companion that they have just lost. They may also have been offered a biscuit to help them “feel better” and told not to worry as they still have Fido the dog. So stop crying.
Let me break that down for you now. Firstly ignoring the child’s feelings and the opportunity to talk about grief, teaching them a more positive way to acknowledge allowing them to heal. Answer with, I am so very sorry for your loss of your friend, tell me, what will you miss the most….and open the conversation up. Acknowledging and letting that child know that they can talk to you. The idea of replacing a loss, means that they will learn to do this throughout life. An example not being done, can be seen in those that you know who have broken up with someone only to be with someone else a week or two later….or they look before ending up the relationship. They do not want to feel that pain.
The biscuit….you interrupt the process of grieving, you are a higher authority who they know/believe they can trust, you have just told them that this will make them feel better. They feel different, not better but then spend the rest of their lives believing that “food or things to comfort” will make them feel better. Mine was red wine and chocolate!
Stop crying. Well what else are you supposed to do when you’re crying? What can come from that is that people start to grieve alone because “no one wants to see them cry” and teaches them to be alone.
As Dianne and I looked back over our years of coaching, we could see clearly the effects of unresolved grief and what that had had on our previous clients. Understanding that any loss has an impact, small or to the more traumatic and the emotion is grief. But people put on masks, am alright, what we call “academy award recovery”.
Whether you are grieving or feel that you are not at this moment, understanding this emotion will help empower you. We all have challenges in life. These are mine which I share not so you think “poor Diane” (although that is sweet of you) I share these so you may now reflect on your own life. Any of these “trigger you”, take notice and empower yourself by asking for a coaching session.
Living with a long term illness of a partner
Miscarriage
Pet Loss
Career change
Death of grandparents
House move
Major change in family circumstances
Estranged Grandparent
Emotional journey of a business
Wanting to work together/spend less time working yet find you do more plus!
Have an au pair to look after your children for a year, when you know/feel it should be you
Sale of your first car (my independence)
Financial rollercoaster
Now some of those had a bigger impact for me that others but I know that they are all stages of grief. We are taught how to get things in life, but not what to do when we lose them.
Here are a few others that I haven’t personally experienced, but I know many would have.
Divorce
Children dying
Bankrupcy
Mortgage reclaims
Car reclaims
Parents estranged and the children perhaps living more with one than another parent.
I could go on. We can have up to 41 odd losses in our lives. The usual emotions that people ‘go to’ is Blaming themselves or others, Shaming themselves or others, or Justifying themselves or others. When in actual fact, take responsibility through kindness to yourself. You are/were grieving. That is where I come into your life with Results Coaching.
You just need to acknowledge/notice that this is what you have been doing, decide that you no longer like the way that feels to you, and want to make changes. You want to get fitter, you hire a Personal Trainer. You know to succeed needs accountability, or you want to run more, you get a running coach. Your mind is no different. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not broken, you just have not had the training you need to help you at this moment.
If you do nothing, how does this impact you in your business? Your team? Your relationships? Your children? The way you live your life? Fear or empowerment? Reacting to everything or responding?
I never, ever want anyone to think that there is no one “out there” for them when they are struggling with grief or their ‘life’s challenges’. I never want anyone to feel that hurt, pain or want to take action, without knowing that there are people like me out there that can help support you.
Yes I know that there are therapists, etc and if you need that level of support then please do reach out to them. Do something, do what feels right for you. But know this, there are coaches who specifically help in this area, just like me. Read Michelle’s story. Having seen a therapist, she reached out to me for coaching.
I offer two approaches to my business, Grief Coaching and Results Coaching, helping you Bust Through Life’s Challenges.
www.lifeafterlossiom.com www.resultscoachingiom.com or podcasts anchor.fm/d369
Diane@lifeafterlossiom.com Diane@resultscoachingiom.com
Also Facebook, LinkedIn, and Youtube channel: Busting Through Life’s Challenges
Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or would like to discuss in confidence, your current circumstances. Book a free call https://calendly.com/diane-227/invitation-to-talk
Or see my website and come and join me on my next free workshop
Bye for now
Diane