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The Hidden Depths Series continues and In case you were wondering, you matter!

This week marks the 8th year of my husband’s passing. Some days it seems like only yesterday, yet others so long ago.

There have been so many changes that have happened, indeed as with most families. This is what I would like to share with you today.

Because of what I do, I have come to acknowledge these “happenings” for what they are, a loss and I have been grieving.

My late husband would sometimes feel like no one cared. Because he had kept a lot of his illness to himself and from immediate family, he would be there to support others, yet sometimes felt that they were not there for him. I only hope that he was around to see the turnout for his funeral to know that this is untrue.

Many clients have shared the heartache of friends who didn’t reach out or who saw them and crossed the road to avoid conversations after their loss. Not only are they grieving the loss of their special person, but grieving a relationship they thought they knew.

This is often because people do not know what to say, so they try to avoid the conversation, perhaps thinking that they will chat in the months that follow, to give that person space.

When I explain this to those clients, more empathy appears. We acknowledge the pain, as we are working together on their grief, bringing forgiveness of that person for their own wellbeing. That leads to acceptance and no doubt a kinder conversation when they do finally meet.

Top Tip For You

Incidentally, if you find yourself in those sad circumstances it is perfectly alright to approach the person who is hurting and say, “I am so sorry for your loss, there are no words” follow up with a hug if that is you, and ask “is there anything I can do for you?” Do not fill the silent space but allow the person to talk. If they are not ready to talk, simply sit with them and be present. “I’ll just sit with you here for a while if I may.” Do you know that can be one of their greatest gifts.

Do not say “I know how you feel” because you do not. You might be able to relate, but you do not know how someone else is feeling.

Do not compare “Oh this happened to Mrs Bloggs and she’s doing well, you will too.”

This will leave the person feeling angry or worse, in a depressive state.

What life didn’t prepare me for after his passing was the other changes that occurred in my family. You would have read in a previous blog about estrangement, but it is also those family members who you had become close with, that you see and feel shift in the years that follow.

Letting Go Off Children

There is an element of letting go when children leave “the nest,” and we grieve them no longer being with us, yet are also excited for the adventures ahead. With children currently finishing school in the UK to move to university, this can hit parents hard, albeit we see it logically as the next step, do not disregard the feelings in your heart.

The work that I do helps you with understanding grief and you would recognise that those experiences are also losses. Then there maybe fear… how will they cope, how will they feed themselves, who is going to be therefore them to support them in their struggles? This is pre-grieving.

If you haven’t already, you have (at the time of writing) 4 weeks to show them how to cook, clean, shop, budget, set boundaries, exercise and for them to have down time in their busy schedules! To enjoy the experience and have some fun.


Unexpected losses

We were a very tight-knit family. I truly believed in the phrase “the family that plays together stays together” alas this was not to be. For your immediate family, perhaps but I think I took this saying literally, indeed included other children I looked after in my journey of bringing them up.

As they grew, we invented different ways to help keep the fun element of being together going. Each Christmas we used to dress up in the evening. Each family would take a turn in picking a theme. We started this when we had Christmases after my father-in-law died. Yes, we had had the odd dressing up party, but this became a Christmas event and something I really looked forward to.

After my husband died, we did about two before the interest dwindled. I came to realised that this “special time” that we had together was stopping. Those children were now creating their own type of Christmases, and the family around me drifted into spending (quite rightly) a different time with the new extended families that had joined theirs.

As this ‘watering down’ of connections happen, other decisions can be made that hurt equally. As much as you can logically understand them, you can find yourself on the periphery of family occasions, ones you cannot help thinking if my husband was alive, we would have been invited to. You could go down the rabbit hole of believing that you do not matter.

Would you have known those to be losses and that you were grieving?

Here is what to do if you are experiencing this type of loss.

1. Feel into the loss and allow any grief to arise, cry if you need to. You are experiencing another end of a familiar pattern of behaviour.
2. Take yourself off to the beach and pick up a stone. Place your anger, upset, frustrations into the stone and throw it into the sea.
3. Stand in a field and shout your head off. Alternatively use a pillow!
4. Write out any hurt that you are carrying on a page. Do not stop for punctuation, capitals, paragraphs because no one is going to read it. So do a ‘hurt dump.’ Perhaps burn after you have finished as a cleansing.
5. Give yourself space to allow those feelings to settle. Logic brain might help here, the age the people are, they are getting on with their own nest as they should.
6. Be kind to yourself. Think about any changes you have enjoyed, people that you have attracted into your life, make some fun plans with them.
7. Try tapping, grounding, love kindness and compassion meditations (videos on Youtube).
8. Epsom salt soak, 20 minutes as hot as you like your bath and relax both body and mind.
9. Make sure that you get into REM sleep.

Avoid

1. Emotional eating.
2. Drinking to comfort yourself.
3. Sitting in anger or even hate. Revisit above!

Emptying these emotions out, understanding that you are grieving allowing all the energy out means that you will not feel the need to keep them bottled up inside. Holding energy in is stressful and that energy can appear when you are not expecting them, when you are next triggered by similar feelings.

Acceptance

“This too shall pass” is one of my favourite quotes that I tell myself often when these emotions are triggered. Pain arrives to show you that there is something to deal with, once you understand the loss. You now know that you are or were grieving. How attached you are to that loss, depends on how much you grieve. Peace to emotions/situations arrive when we find acceptance.

When were you last triggered by that kind of loss? If you need any help, let’s jump on a complimentary call. https://calendly.com/goodgriefcoach/30min.

You do matter

Know this for sure, you do matter. Your life may look extremely different now, as indeed mine does. I now have a new partner and his children in my life. I am joyful to know that I have granddaughters, even if I don’t see them, I know that they are about. I now have my parents living with me albeit in a separate part of the home, enjoying renewed connections with them. There was a chunk of time lost when my own “nest” took my time and focus. I am grateful for that. None of that would have happened if I had not been here or mattered, right?

I end with one request, you have come this far, read this blog now, will you please go and do something nice for you!

With love
Di
The Good Grief Coach

And you had no idea that you are grieving!

I was recently on a course that friends were hosting called “The Entrepreneurs Journey” and met some wonderful new people.  As much as I had done this course before, I love taking time out to go over the material and create new ideas.  (Information below about how you can find out when their next course will be!)

Eye Opening Moments

We were divided off into groups of two to discuss our businesses and by listening offer some ideas.  Such fun.  Anyway, I was paired up with a lovely lady who had moved from South Africa.  I started talking about Grief and how people see this more linked to bereavement but not always to things like divorce, financial issues, health issues etc.  Then I said “or like your good self who has moved not just house, but country.” 

Her eyes widened and she teared up.  Until that moment she had not realised that she had been grieving leaving her beloved country.  I then asked her how long she had been on the island (Isle of Man) expecting her to say a few months… Jess said “11 years!”  “Wow” I replied, “that is a long time to be grieving a loss such as that.”  We agreed to meet up for a coffee after the course in order to explore this loss further.

This exchange felt right for me too, as she has some skills that I currently need so a coffee catch up was arranged.

Jess and I met, and I asked her to start her story from the beginning from what she had felt had been triggered for her.  Jess had had to leave her country because of a business opportunity for her husband which had brought them to the island.  

They had had to up route their children from family and friends.  This journey was only supposed to be temporary, two years, but as mentioned it was now 11 years!

Jess had continued to live in her country in her mind.  She was conscious of what her children were missing, not being connected to those family members indeed the interaction and getting to know their cousins was a big heartache for Jess. She lived with a fear of “never seeing them again.”  

I asked her if she had ever been back.  “Yes” she replied, “we have been back for holidays” to which we both chuckled as she realised that that statement was untrue, but emotionally it had not landed.  

This then triggered another thought for her, that when she landed in her home country, she was instantly thinking about leaving to return to the island so was only half present to actually being with her family and friends. Jess had found the whole experience stressful. She shared, “We would come back happy but exhausted!”

Light bulb moments were appearing.  Because she was told that she would only be on the island for 2 years, she had also not engaged as deeply as she might have with people she met.  Afterall she would also have to leave those people at some point which equalled more hurt! This had created loneliness in her life by making these decisions unconsciously.

So, in order to protect herself from future losses, she was maintaining a distance to try and not feel the hurt of that potential loss, yet was denying herself close relationships here…and had been doing that for 11 years!

Why Comparing Can Keep You Stuck In Grief

Jess started talking about what in her perspective her children were missing out on.  I pointed out that these again were her losses.  Her children had been here (on the island) for 11 years, they have settled and made new close friends over the years, growing up within the schools connecting with their peers. This constant comparing was keeping Jess stuck in grief, and she had not realised.

A little note on comparing here:  This is what we are taught to do as we grow.  Perhaps firstly with your siblings, oh Sarah could ride a bike at your age…or from school, you announce how many spellings that you had got right on today’s test 6 out of 10, a new record…when you hear those words…”and how did Lucy do?” Your heart sinks as you know Lucy achieved 9/10 as usual.  And so, we go through life comparing ourselves to others and their achievements, wondering often “what is wrong with me, why can’t I do xyz”. Or body shapes sizes etc the list goes on…..  STOP!  You are unique, there is only one of you!  If you want to compare yourself, just do that to yourself.  If you ran a 3k race aim for 6k, 13K or a marathon.  Those are your hopes, dreams and (after training) expectations to complete.  Look to your own PB!  

Of course, we spoke about the various ways in which we can keep in touch now with relatives, and not just ones in far off places.  I use social media to stay connected to a lot of my extended family.  

Her original country was her home and in her heart was still living there.  Until we spoke, she had not realised that she was grieving.  The political state of her country means also that it is not likely that they will return any time soon.  This raised the issue “where is home?”  Living here without her own family close to her had been really hard for Jess. She was sad that her children were not experiencing their lifestyle and sharing their culture which was their heritage. 

As with most parents, home is where your children are. Until they move of course!  A fear for Jess was that she wouldn’t have a home set up for her children to feel at home, for them to return to. We talked more at length about that, helping her to see that home for the children will be wherever she and her husband are!  She laughed as she shared that they had actually just bought a house, their first home on the island.

She had been approaching this house as a temporary move and acknowledged that she needed to put more love into being present in that home to help make it feel the way she truly wanted it to. 

Jess said that there was a big community of people from her country here stating “doesn’t mean we are all alike.  Sometimes it’s a community coming together rather than a connection.” But acknowledged that she had in fact made close friends.

Hidden Depths Released

Just talking about the hidden depths of unresolved grief was enough to help her look at her life from a different perspective. 

I am pleased to share that a lot of reframing, looking at different perspectives was enough to help Jess make some heart-warming changes.

1. Her children were in fact extremely happy here. They know no different.
2. Home is where my family is, not a physical building.
3. We do have friends here and are blessed.
4. She is working on the barriers that she had put into place and is having fun removing them!
5. Since buying a house that she is making a home, her family have settled better and it is a blessing. 

The effect of unresolved hidden grief had had a big impact on her and the way she had been living the last 11 years.  Perhaps you too can relate.  As we grow and evolve, we can be triggered by so many hidden losses, what do you do?  Push them back down, shake them off to be “something in the past that you cannot do anything about” or how about saying  “ha, I see you and now I am going to do something to shift you because I no longer want to wear you!”

Unresolved grief does affect our lives, our decision making, how we are showing up in the world.  Once unearthed, do yourself a favour and find support to clear that stagnant energy.  To free your body mind and spirit to live your best life.

Last Word From Jess

My thanks to Jess for permission to share her story with you in order that you too can be free. 

Jess said “I shared this story with a friend, and she teared up, stating that it was so sad.  And you know what, I smiled with such peace and in that moment, I knew I’d worked through it!  I am not sad anymore, I’m excited about my life here now and what may come next!  Thank you for that Di!  I feel such relief….I will continue to treasure SA and my precious people there, but its given myself permission to leave that behind now.”

The power of a conversation about grief and loss!

Love

Di 

The Good Grief Coach

Ps Please contact Justin Tipper or Jan Tinsley to find out more about the Entrepreneur’s Journey

Pps If you can relate to Jess’s story and would like to find out more, you can book a complimentary call with me on calendly/goodgriefcoach 

Hidden Depths


It has been a while since I wrote a blog, for that I apologise. I have been busy creating a programme to help Parents and Teachers teach children about grief. Ironically, parts of this journey have caused me grief!

Having approached our Board of Education, who’s representative acknowledged the need but unsure where they would run the programme, to writing to various schools asking to come and talk has felt frustrating to say the least, and yes, I have been grieving.

How you ask? Great question!

Because my hope was that this would be warmly received as I am told it is very much needed. The big dream is that this will be taught in every school and my expectation (based on the feedback for the need) was that this would be an instant “YES” which of course, it has not! YET!

WHEN IS A LOSS, A LOSS?

It very much felt like a loss, because I had been working on this for 18 months at the point of launch. I have invested in people to create and proofread the workbooks. I felt despair when a reply from one school said, “we already have grief covered in schools” and my reply was lengthy. They do not have this programme which is about tools before the child endures a significant loss and that is not just a death!

Deep breaths. I have learned to share such hurdles with my fellow coaches that know how passionate I am about this project and a solution is being sort. I am so very grateful for this support.

Would you have seen that as a loss? Would that have felt like a loss to you? Would you have known that you were grieving?

Not many people would. They would perhaps use phrases like “I am feeling out of sorts” or “I am feeling depressed that things are not opening up as I had hoped.” I temporarily felt like that but knew enough to know that I was sad and pre-grieving a potential loss.

Of course, with that came a surge of energy that said, right I will find another way….and with the help of my Business Coach, I am! That is also when I started having some fun with this, meeting different people for lunch, reconnecting with old work colleagues that might be interested and jumped at an opportunity to talk as a keynote speaker.

How many things have you tried in life that have not gone according to plan? Probably a lot, but in that journey, what other great things arrived from this?


FROM BREAKDOWN TO BREAKTHROUGH

We have a saying in coaching “with every breakdown comes a breakthrough” the difference is, coaches don’t normally stay in that space too long. Either they can coach themselves out of it, or call someone in their coaching community for an empowering conversation. We acknowledge that we have been triggered by something which is an opportunity for us to learn more about ourselves and grow as a person.

The pain of overwhelm, frustration, depression can keep you stuck in those moments in life. Perhaps where you cannot see or feel a way out. We can keep ourselves in that space for days, months or years. Living that loop. Feeling negative and hearing yourself being negative towards yourself.

What often happens then is an energy shift because your vagus nerve has had enough and your spirit inside wants the best for you, you start looking for support to make those changes.

RECOGNISING ANGER AND BUSYNESS

Perhaps it might be anger that arrives to help you shift, perhaps you may start venting to someone… as much as that person may feel the need to support you, hearing your own words out loud can often help you make shifts. And the best release, tears. Let them flow reducing naturally the stress anxiety or anger that you have been holding onto. As I say to my clients, they water the future so let them flow.

This is the point that a well-meaning friend might start quoting myths around loss to you! Don’t feel sad. When you have had a loss of any kind, you will grieve depending on how attached you were to that loss (or potential loss) so it is perfectly OK FOR YOU TO FEEL SAD! And follow through on the last paragraph if necessary!

At moments like this you may feel the need to ‘keep busy’ so you do not sit and ponder about this situation. That can work for some, but I find it just delays the outcome. If I am worrying about ‘x’ and trying to work on ‘y’ I am not giving ‘y’ my full attention. In these moments I find journaling helps me a lot. I have a writing exercise to follow through on if emotions still remain high, but often it is enough to write it out on paper. That way I am not carrying the situation in my head or as mentioned, find a coach! Share your preferred method below, it can help someone. If you would like the writing exercise, email me Diane@lifeafterlossiom.com.

Frustration can be my biggest issue. I have an idea, I have planned and worked on this idea, shown and shared with many who say, “we need this” leaving me in a situation that still appears to be ‘waiting.’

SABOTEURS!

This is also an opportunity to look at what saboteurs are showing up and joining the pity party! Identifying them at least gives you someone else to shout at! My money mindset coach said to “see them as your board of directors.” Sometimes they help, sometimes they hinder. Ultimately, these are habits and programming we have picked up as we grown up from those around us. So, my victim, hyper-achiever and restlessness saboteurs were very much noisy participants of my board for a few days! Once you recognise this you can tell them all to shut up! Again, realising that they are not helpful, and they are distracting means, you can deal with them quicker! If you are unaware of your saboteurs, then visit www.positiveintellegence.com and find the quiz. One of the most empowering things that I have done!

EXCUSES AND COPING

Then came the next hurdle. My money mindset coach said “have you heard about human design?” “No” I replied. Another quiz revealed that I am what they call a “projector.” I won’t go into that too much now but basically, a projector must ‘wait for the invitation’ or if they try and push themselves onto a third party, can be left with feelings of bitterness.

Oh lord, another hurdle to overcome! But it was also very interesting. It made total sense to me and the issues I have been having not just now but throughout my life. When I have been invited to work for people (no interview just offered the job) things have run very smoothly. While waiting for clients to decide if they do want to work on their grief, (which can be hard seeing people decide if they want to live in that pain/place but know it must be their decision) that when are ready to do so … all flows so well.

Then waiting for an invitation made sense, but not an excuse!

After I had finished the pity party, I was fired up and gave myself permission to keep going. I found the right people to help me, and I know that I have more to share to help people to understand that ‘grieving a loss of any kind can have a devastating impact on your mind and body.’

What do you do when you have had a bad week? Go for a drink? Buy cake? Or go for a long run? Of course, the last suggestion is a healthier one, except if it is continuous and you do not give your body time to rest in between. They are called STERBS. Short Term Energy Releasing Behaviours and we all do these to help us feel better, rather than acknowledging the grief.

In this next series of blogs I am going to cover more of these hidden depths where unresolved losses lurk, because these are the hidden killers. Holding onto them causes stress, anxiety, depression and has even been linked to PTSD, all because the person doesn’t realise that they are grieving a loss.

What life challenges have you or are you now thinking about? Sometimes, just to acknowledge these things can help us make the shift that is needed.

Need an empowering conversation? Give me a call.

With love
Di Parker
The Good Grief Coach.

Ps. If you are a parent, guardian or teacher interested in learning more about the children’s programme “Why Children Need To Talk About Grief” then please do reach out for more information.

Have you experienced the pain of estrangement?

I was shocked at the number of people who have experienced this kind of pain in their lives. All stuck in their grief, and yes, I was one of them.  I am still estranged from my son, but I have learned so many life lessons around this topic, that I am now going to share them with you in the hope that you will find comfort and strength to talk about this new phenomenon, or is it?

Mother’s falling out with their daughters is not strange for a short time, but when the time passes the gap becomes more, perhaps turning into years, and why?  For what reason?

Now don’t get me wrong.  I know that some people have good reasons why they are better off not with their family. 

But this is only a few in comparison to those that I have met over the last two years.  The majority of these children come from loving homes, and it has been a complete shock to the loving parents left behind to pick up the pieces.

I can only guess why my own son has decided to estrange himself from the family, but if I did know why, could I do anything about it?  Probably not.  He is seeing life from his perspective and I from mine.  We are unique. 

When he was younger, we could have very interesting conversations around human psychology, in fact he took his GCSE in that subject.  I often though that he would be an ideal person to come and join me in my business, providing of course that it would have been something that he would like to have done.

And then things changed big time.  His dad died, he became a father and life happened around him.  That was a lot of losses to deal with.  Death, and loss of your decisions for yourself (now there was a family to think of) at only 25 years of age.  Then his business left by his dad started to fail.  We can summarize why; that is not necessary for this article but to say, it was a loss and another attachment to his dad also lost.  Added to this pressure, another baby and then the lock downs happened.  This has not been a good time for him.  Nor me. 

From my previous blog:

I can tell you that the years that followed have been heart breaking for me.  I never would have thought in all my days, that this would happen between my son and myself.  As I mentioned in last months blog, he did something that shook me to the core, something that I thought he would never have done in a million years….but he did.  What, is not important, the why is. (How I internalize that is). That was to become my gift.

If you are interested in how I internalized that, read part one.

I have always said that my family were my greatest teachers, they have been my influencers and they continue to be.

Mothers are quick to think that there is something wrong with us when we experience these types of rejection, stating:-

How everything is our fault! 

How this reflects on our parenting.  If I could have been, better, more loving, attentive. 

 How will society now ‘judge me’.

And nothing can be further from the truth.  It is not our fault and its not their fault. 

I can say that because of the way I was, he did not build much resilience to life and there is indeed truth in that but at some point, we must stop and remember that they are adults!

The modern family stays together much longer.  Financial situations keep children at home until nearly 30 years of age, while are generation were out the door as soon as we could make a life for ourselves.  I myself, married at 20, and my husband was 23 years old.  That can put strain on the modern family relationships.

We can pinpoint things in our childhood that we did that helped us with building resilience, for example how old were you when you had your first job?  Learning to interact with people. Have adult influences around you in those situations.  Good or bad, you learned how to navigate them.  I was 14 when I had my first job, and I can remember feeling so proud of myself.  My son until recently, only worked in the family business.  Yes, he was good with clients, extremely good as a PT and was very sociable, but it is different working for someone outside of the family.

Now of course you must be 16 plus to get a job.  I would definitely encourage that going forward.

You can tell from reading so far, I have been reflecting on this situation, before I worked on myself, I had same the point of view, with statements such as: ‘everything is my fault’ as a mother you ‘should know better’ and never mind society judging you, I was doing quite the number on myself!

I then proceeded to do what I did when I was dealing with my loneliness, I looked on face book for groups to help support me and my broken heart.  I found quite a few.  What I did discover is that reading these posts were bringing me down.  Reading everyone’s stories, living for that moment their pain it became too much.  As usual I was looking for ways to help guide me to heal.

Up to this point, I had not done my process on my relationship with my son, so I did that.  I said “goodbye” to what we had in order to let a new way appear when its ready. I let go of my ‘hopes, dreams and expectations’ of what I hoped our relationship would be going forward.

That was the hardest thing for me to do, but it helped me settle into where we are ‘now’.     The relationship between us has gone from what it was, but that does not mean that when we do reunite, it could indeed be a lot stronger. 

At the same time as doing my process on myself I was also working with Sebastien Koellner as mentioned in my earlier blog, on my saboteurs.  This was indeed a winning combination.

Having grieved the relationship that was, open to what was new, I was “back on the horse” to reach out and help others.  I commented on a few posts in the group I had found and came across a wonderful lady called Janet Hogan. 

Janet has created a group called Estranged Mothers – Rise and Thrive.  Janet had posted a comment in the group I was a part of, and I just instantly loved her energy.  I reached out and we have been sharing a lot of our thoughts around this topic.  I am delighted to say that in the near future, Janet and I will be doing a podcast and workshops on this very subject.

We feel strongly that this subject needs a voice, that those of you who are living stuck in your grief, constantly looking for the mere morsal of a communication from these children are not living you own life!

I know that when I stopped pushing ‘energetically’ then I had some movement from his side.  We will be talking about this and helping you find your feet again.  Give yourself permission to live your own life. 

There are so many people ‘out there’ who are stuck in this type of grief.  Some relationships do heal and reunite which brings joy to my heart.  We can all carry a little hope with that knowledge, but we do not need to put ourselves on a back burner until that day arrives.

Janet shares that there are 5 steps to estrangement.

1. Shock/denial
2. Despair
3. Acceptance
4. Transformation (of ourselves)
5. Maintenance

I am sure you can identify with those stages from reading my blog, that I have gone through them all! 

I will keep you posted when we have the podcast done on Busting Life’s Challenges, and of course there will be a youtube video on the Busting Life’s Challenges Channel. 

We hope that you will find some way forward for yourself in this article and of course there is always the face book group,  Estranged Mothers – Rise and Thrive.  Yes, I know that Fathers can also be struggling with those issues to.  Do reach out if you need some support, more than happy to have a conversation with you, or I can pass you along to my coaching male colleagues.

Remember what Abraham Hicks says, go and do something that makes you feel good about yourself.  Put that boat of yours in your stream of life where you want it to be, make things easier for yourself, stop paddling up stream (trying to make things right) and allow, (just be) with healing (if you need some), flow downstream to where the next exciting part of your life will be, but for now,

Go and float in your boat!

Love Di x

A never ending journey.

There have been three greatest impacts on me during my coaching training and experience so far:-

1. Neuro Linguistic Programming Coaching,
2. The Grief Recovery Method training and
3. Well that one was a surprise. Money Freedom Mindset.

It was a surprise because it was about building a ‘Money Freedom Mindset’. The course I attended was created by a coaching colleague Sebastian Koellner.

The main attraction for me after our pre course conversation was looking at my Saboteurs clearly and how they affect every element of my life.

How many times do you say to yourself, “Ill be happy when” and name some ‘thing, place or person’ that once that is in your life, you will declare yourself “happy”?

How many times have you got that ‘thing, place or person’ perhaps been happy for a day, then that elation/excitement fizzles out?!

Have you taken time to think about how that influences your life?
Your decision making? (very much including money)

Saboteurs

I knew about saboteurs, as many of us get to know these parts of ourselves over our lifetime. I did not realise which ones were the most active in my life or why that mattered!

The strongest one for us all is the judge. Yes, you do judge! I have been saying for years that “I do not judge” as in reference to another person, yet we do, it is ingrained within us since we were children. In the Grief Recovery Method, we call it ‘comparing.’ “How did your spelling test go today?” Followed by “and how did Sue do?”

As you have been reading this article, you have been judging if you would get what you need from the contents. So sometimes the judge is good, but not when it is taking over, judging everything! Have you heard the expression “they are so judgmental?”
Sebastian introduced the idea of our saboteurs being ‘board members’ in our mind. I liked that analogy, and adopted that going forward.

We have the judge, avoider, controller, hyper-achiever, hyper-rational, hyper-vigilant, pleaser, restless, stickler and victim.

Sebastian asked me to complete an online quiz to see which ones were more active than others. The biggest surprise for me was that my Hyper-Achiever was the stronger! But the one that resonated with me to work on was my third one which was, Restless.

To acknowledge and identify this part of me ‘took me back’ a little. I did not consider myself to be restless.
This is the description –
Constant need for busy-ness. Rarely at peace with current activity.
Strengths of this saboteur is “Flexibility and Risk Tolerance”,
The lie or tactic of this saboteur is “this is the way to accomplish and experience the most.”

Wow. This resonated with me so much, I recognized that I had been doing this, more so since losing my husband. When Andrew died I had been under the influence that ‘time is precious, and we should spend it wisely’ which was interpreted by me to make every moment count, not leaving time for me to sit and read a book – smell the roses….every moment needed to be accounted for.

I was now on my own, responsible for me. I had to make my business work, to achieve the income I desired in order that I could support myself and be there for my two sons, whenever they might need my support. I had been under that pressure from the time he died in July 2016 to March 2022! That is quite a while for me to be pushing and beating up on myself. I had a leaky bucket and I had not realized it!

The leaky bucket is an analogy I use for clients when I bring into their awareness that they have been constantly giving and not taking their needs into consideration. Their energy draining through those holes. When they work through the issues in their buckets, plug the holes, fill themselves replenishing their energy, they can start to flow from the top. Then feel better and when you are in that space the ‘overflow’ to others is from a place of love, rather than perhaps, resentment (drainage!).

Man, how that made an impact on me. I realized that I needed to put myself first.
I have spent years reframing this to allow clients to give themselves permission to put themselves first, ‘gosh, even I thought that that was exactly what I was doing,’ especially when my youngest son told me that I was “being selfish and putting myself first”.
For those of you who have read my earlier blogs will be aware that I have had a journey in my relationship with my son and estrangement. (I have always thought and said that my children were my greatest teachers, they still are amongst them! More on this in my next blog).

Now I found myself reflecting on that power word of ‘me’, the restlessness saboteur and what I had been doing throughout my life, more so since losing Andrew; and how all this was showing up in the situation that I was dealing with, my youngest son.

I have mentioned in earlier blogs that I engaged a mediator to try and sort some of the issues out that we had between us. Lovingly supportive and knowing that he was on his own life journey I hadn’t realized the impact of the restless saboteur in my actions. I had tried to stand my ground on a few things to try and get him to ‘step up’ to ‘take action’ to ‘take responsibility’ from his side, but nothing was forthcoming. In fact he did something that shook me to the core, something that I thought he would never have done in a million years….but he did. What, is not important, the why is. (How I internalize that).

You see, I was still trying to make things easy for him. Line everything up for a smooth transition (triathlon training!) and while praying for a happy outcome, what I was doing was ‘actually pushing’ him further away.

The programme that Sabastian introduced me to showed how the restlessness was showing up in this situation!

My working on making things smoother, was my restlessness saboteur! Still at it! Time is precious and this is a waste of time! Let us get on with things, time is not a healer, action is! But sometimes we do need time to stop, breath and smell the roses! Sometimes there is great learning in the pain.

The penny dropped. I was pushing to make things as smooth for him as I could, he tested my unconditional love, which is unconditional, and I ‘woke up’ to what I had been doing. I made the decision to stop. I was going to stop trying to make things happen, and just let it be (as in the Beatles song, there will be an answer, let it be). I realized this had been strong in me since Andrew’s death, but I had been doing this more so since he was 3 years of age, when his dad was diagnosed. In trying to create a happy (no matter what) childhood for him and his brother, the restlessness had been in overdrive!

The weight of this stress lifted from my shoulders, as I reflected at how the Restlessness Saboteur had been ‘showing up’.

The next thing that Sebastian had us do was to look at a baby picture. I picked one from before my sisters were born. A nice happy smiling little girl around the age of 3.
There was a whole process around this, but for now, what came up for me (even if this was not what happened, it is my perspective), shortly after my twin sisters arrived, I had played mother from that moment on. Putting everyone else first, making sure that everyone else was happy (being a good girl and not selfish) and if they were happy, then so was I. Wow another lightbulb moment!

I knew instantly that in deciding to stop ‘pushing’ with my son, with my power word for the year being ‘me’ and this new insight, that I was blown away by this new learning. I could let go of the stress that came with the issue.

I have been doing a lot of deep diving in this course, received coaching and tremendous support from my HPC family, Pod and especially Sebastian. I have now realized that working on ‘me’, is not just okay, but essential to my wellbeing. It is not selfish, and I started to plug my leaky bucket. I now flow from a different place, and it feels great!

New creations, inspirations, and energy has arrived in ways for me to work with clients going forward.

I am now more mindful, allowing these new learnings to become part of me. My ‘board of directors’ keep throwing the odd thing up for me to think about, but now I know what I need to do to send that part back into the board room, with a firm “sit down and shut up”. I know what I need to do to get back into what was called ‘sage’, (you might know this as trusting your gut) to be fully present for you.

If you would like to find out more about Sebastian’s Money Freedom Mindset Course, you can contact him through LinkedIn or visit his face book profile Sebastian Koellner. I have a podcast interviewing Sebastian on my YouTube Channel, Busting Life’s Challenges with Di Parker.

What you can do for yourself right now.

I also listened to the videos of Abraham Hicks talking about the ‘river of life’ on YouTube, our journey downstream; we all think the things we desire are up stream; we fight the current thinking the destination is up stream (with phrases like “get to the top of your career”) When the destiny is the boat! Life is a journey, where you are is exactly where you should be at this given time, if you don’t like it, stop paddling! Be happy, have fun, enjoy life – now you’re in the flow, whether enjoying white water rapids, fast stream, or floating down. You are supposed to be in that boat, it is your destiny, enjoy the ride!

While reading through this article, and you got this far so thank you…how many losses did you notice?

The Grief work (I do and did on myself) gave me the tools that I needed to help heal the ‘deep diving moments’ of this experience.

Loss of elements of my childhood, loss of down time moments to really relax and read a book, smell the roses, loss of creativity trying to push things into creation instead of being! The ability to do the work on my relationship with my son, now allowing him to flourish without ‘energetic interference’ to just be……Me and know my Worthiness in this process.

What losses are stopping you from creating the life that you desire to live right now?
Like to talk that through? Go to calendly and let’s have a conversation.

Until next time,
Go and float in your boat!
Love Diane x

When Families Fall Apart

If you would have asked me 6 years ago, if I thought that this would ever have happen to me, I would have said “no way”. But I am sad to share, that this has happened to me and my heart is breaking.

I have worked with clients and people within a local charity who have had to endure these awful experiences, never would I have envisaged this happening to my family. While we are all unique in our experience of estrangement, the pain of these people I now share.

Estrangement is happening to more people that you maybe aware of and the reason why they are not talking about this subject, is because they feel shame.

I am curious, what was the first thought in your mind when you started to read this article? What has “she” done? She must have done something? This is the root of misperception which usually can be sorted out in conversations.

Parents do mainly blame themselves for the situation that they now find themselves in or justify (as I have been doing to a degree) why the person has created the estrangement between themselves and their family.

I stayed in that space that I often talk about (justifying) until I decided to be responsible. To be responsible for my own self, my health and how I am showing up in the world for people like you.

The first thing I understood for sure was that I was grieving. I was grieving the special family I had with my late husband and two sons. I was grieving the special relationship I had with my son. I was grieving not being allowed to be apart of my granddaughters lives.

I had kept a distance to help my son and his partner both find their feet as parents which has been misinterpreted by my son, with the help of his partner that I do not care about him through gaslighting. Now, the once caring person I knew is battling with his own issues, and I have become the easy target for their aggression.

What Action Can You Take?

I want to share with you what I have discovered for myself, once I acknowledged the grief. I stepped out of justifying my situation and started to take responsibility for my own mental health. I started to do some research.

Where do most people turn to at my age in life? The “How To” section of Youtube. I have recently been uploading videos to Youtube and thought there is bound to be people on there who like me are showing up to help others and perhaps about this heart breaking subject of estrangement.

Prior to this video, I had invested in a mediator to help me with my situation, and from the work I do, I understand that conflict of any kind is brought about by misperception. If we can establish from the start that we all see things differently, then this can lay foundations for a resolution to be found. All it takes is for both parties to be willing and open to having a conversation. However, mediation does not work if one or both of the parties are not wanting to participate. Sometimes this can take longer than hoped, after years of conflict, before situations can be resolved.

The video I found and watched was called “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How To Heal The Conflict – Josh Coleman, Ph. D.” I have since ordered his book and will do a book review later.

He suggests that a letter of “amends” is created in which we acknowledge the mistakes that we have made and to try and find that kernel of truth.

Josh suggested that when you are creating your letter, you say something along the lines of “I know you wouldn’t cut of contact with me unless it was the healthiest thing for you to do”. This makes sense to me as my son has felt like he has had to “pick sides” between myself and his partner. His two daughters mean the world to him, as they do me. So in that statement, I can surely find peace. He is doing what he has been taught to do by his family, that family comes first.

When you are still in some communication with your child, Josh further suggests that by creating a letter of amends for the adult child, that this puts him/her in the context of growth and happiness. This really helps the adult child to be seen and heard – by adding “take the exact time you need. If there are things you need me to work on in the interim, I am happy to do that.” Using that language validates the person.

Josh now talks about the Mothers Wound. He admitted to not knowing much about this, but I can for sure relate. You have given birth and raised this child to the best of your ability. Nurturing, supporting and doing in my case a lot of compensating for the difficult circumstances we found ourselves dealing with. As much as we did not discuss Andrew’s health with the children, children are not stupid. They absorb their environment. I discovered much more about that as I completed my NLP training. As a loving mum, this was part of my heart ache which I acknowledged and grieved.

Because I have a great understanding the ‘misperception part’ of this ongoing issue and having worked on myself, I can be in a stronger place emotionally for the conversations that may follow. Examples below for you to understand the tone.

Josh said “anything that the child comes back with say, I hadn’t really though of myself that way. Is there anything you can suggest I can read or find out about it (issue raised)?” This takes the conversation off labels and onto behaviours. “What would you like us to work on/family therapy?” These are a few of his suggestions, of the type of language to use.

A side note here about the use of parts language. This will help the person that you are speaking with understand that they are not “all bad” that we have sad parts, happy parts, loving parts, challenging parts. Particularly when used with small children – “you are a naughty girl” (all of you is bad) to “what part of you felt that it was ok to do xyz”.

Resist saying that you are proud of them. To say that continues the feeling of parent/child. But say that you are impressed by them. By doing this you elevate them, which then allows for the parts in the relationship that didn’t feel good, to be healed.

He went on to say, that you don’t have to like what is being said, but this is about building a relationship once again.

Josh then went onto talk about the area which is in my field of expertise, grief. Using the typical thoughts parents have as mentioned and the questions above, I started this process of healing my pain. I used the Grief Recovery Method (GRM) programme on this situation! I had to heal the pain of the loss of my relationship with my son, in order to help me be in a better place to move forward in hopefully healing our situation.

These are typical questions a parent might use. How do I live like this? (meaning living in grief). You have given birth, nurtured during their growing up and feel like you should be doing more. Now it is important for you to decide between suffering and pain. We are going to feel pain, our hopes, dreams and expectations of the relationship that we have dreamt about, being apart of has gone, at least for now. We also go through the suffering by going through all the mental processors that tie us to the pain, such as “what if I don’t see my child again”. From this can come social isolation, guilt tripping yourself, and getting mad at yourself.

Josh suggested some processors that you can learn to help yourself. Meditation, radical acceptance, (all as it is) or my tip is you could do the Grief Recovery Method (GRM) on this situation. As in the above comment made by Josh, the guilt tripping term is used in his explanation. Now in the GRM, we education the reader/client to know that guilt means to imply harm, so if you had murdered someone, then that use of the word is correct. It is misused in every other context. What you feel is sad, the feelings of which are fueled by you staying the cycle of blaming, shaming and justifying yourself and/or the situation that has been created in the estrangement.

Josh said “The more we fight our misery the longer the path out of hell, the more we struggle, the worse we will feel” He is so right. For your own health, mental and physical you need to put yourself in a place of acceptance (that doesn’t mean liking it) by working on yourself with some of the tips above. To forgive does not mean to condone what you feel was done to you.

Feelings of fear about the returning to the “relationships” can also happen, which is where building a pathway and strategies can help. If they need space, respect that for one year. Having compassion is the gift of joy. From their perspective, they may then allow a window into their life through social media. And so pathways can be rebuilt.

What about when you are met with silence, (no communication) and everything you try is met with silence? Josh recommends a really good amends letter, take responsibility and send after 6 to 8 weeks “just checking in”. Again if you hear nothing, do a follow up in a couple of months or a year. Clearly continuing to reach out.

For the contents of that letter, do not go on about what is fair. The son or daughter in law maybe gatekeeping the letter, contact or email. You do not want the amends letter to be about them, or doing things for the audience of that person. Continue to be loving parents instead of creating back lash for your child.

When There Is No Communication, What Can You Do?

Keep a journal or letters for your son/daughter and grandchildren. Do not make these critical, but fill with love and share the parts of your life that they are currently missing out on. Josh also suggests that you do not cut your child out of your Will, (and a few friends have suggested this to me). Unconditional love.

Again let us briefly look at misperception.

Things are not always as we see them. We can both experience a chick flick, I think it is great, while you wonder if you will ever recover from the hour and a half that you feel you have just wasted!

There are so many factors to these situations, particularly in estrangement. Is what is happening that persons fault (your son/daughter)? or do they have a mental illness? Mental abuse can be as bad if not worse than physical abuse, the emotional damage without the physical injury to be evidenced. We know as a society that there are so many disorders out there that these must be considered. You may not recognise these in your child, but in the behaviours of their partners.

Has you child been visiting the doctor for depression, anxiety and sleep apnea. If you are not sleeping well, from stress, you are not getting into REM Sleep cycles which exasperates the situation. This will continue until the child looks at their part/responsibility. That is up to them to arrive at that decision and for us parents to be open for when they may ask for support.

“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, but change is inevitable. Are you going to take action or be in reaction?” Diane Parker!

As A Parent, What Can You Do?

The only thing that you are in charge of and responsible for is you. In this scenario, the action would be to reclaim your life and your part as a parent. My family was close. My sons had become so close as in ‘we had friendships’ when they had became adults. I felt like they were friends I could rely on for sure. In my own grief (before GRM) I found this to be a great comfort. But one son was under increasing pressure as he become a father so closely after loosing his own father. This was to become the start of his journey to where we find ourselves today.

So empower yourself by healing your pain of loss, by letting go of your hopes dreams, and expectations. Using the information above in that process will help you in regaining your strength back to cope with this situation. If you chose not to, then that is your choice as well, and in suffering you will remain.

Josh suggests that you get on with your life. As much as you have been a good parent it is time for you to exercise your own trust in you. As a parent, you did the best job that you knew how to do.

In the meantime, join groups for support. Keep reaching out making the light touches mentioned above. True unconditional love.

To my son, my door is always open, my arms ready to hold you and to know you never left my heart.

Bye for now

Love Diane x

On a recent course we were asked to look into ourselves and ask “why do I do, what I do?”. For me that was an easy answer, but they insisted that we “dug deep” when answering this question.

I want people to understand the emotion of grief, and the impact that not knowing this emotion well, has on us physically and mentally.

For me, as I was going through the process of early grief for the loss of my husband Andrew, at least in those first 4 weeks after his death, my head felt “spongy”. I could have moments of clarity, but then nothing. It was hard to hold a thought for too long. Then, when I returned to seeing clients, I could be focused in that space of an hour, but would have to arrange power naps after I felt so drained physically. I am good at boundaries, so it wasn’t what the client was bringing up, it was just me – trying to keep myself together.

Other times, I would sit feeling a heavy heart of deep depression trying to worm its way into me. The feeling of how hard it would be to keep going on with my own life. It was not suicidal thoughts, but the recognition of how hard it was going to be without my husband with me.

I could feel a deep sharp pain in my chest like someone had stuck a knife in my chest. Using all the coaching techniques I had in my tool box, I could not shift this pain. What is worse for me, it felt like a block between the connection that Andrew and I had. That hurt me more than anything.

I spoke with my good friend and colleague about this feeling. I said that I wanted to find steps to help me heal, an action plan. I was sick of hearing my own story, going around in loops, which is a constant when people ask you “what happened”. One person asked how I was feeling, I felt relief in that moment, but then as I spoke, and I know it was her not wanting to feel the pain, so she changed the subject. I knew why but felt hurt.

I had “googled” grief, and Cruise Bereavement came up, how to become a counsellor came up, but nothing that I was looking for. And I wanted something now, not 6 months down the line!

I said to my friend, “I am going through this for a reason, and if I don’t find anything, you and I are going to sit down and write a programme, I never want anyone else to go through this pain who wanted to find a way forward”.

Dianne said that she had heard of something and would look into that to see if it was an option. And she did. The Grief Recovery Method.

Before this discovery, my little sister was diagnosed with cancer and I had to stop my grief, “pull myself together” to support my family through this next journey. I actually had resentment towards her at first. I was still in pain in my own grief. What I didn’t know was that because I was going through things with Andrew, my family had not told me concerns about her, until it was diagnosed. When my family reached out to me to talk about this, I said “mum I can’t deal with this, I am not in a good place to help”. Her reply was “well how do you think I feel”. At that moment I was so angry with her, with my sister, how dare they “interfere” with my grief. They dismissed my pain.

That is how it felt emotionally, logically of course, I knew that my mum couldn’t face her own grief, she would always keep busy. My other sister, her twin was busy looking after her children and now Pauline’s two. And Dad, well, he just was processing in his own way.

So I had to do what any “big sister” ends up doing. Putting myself aside and dealing with Pauline’s hospital routines. I think that my mum expected me to take over looking after her, but I had to work. In case they hadn’t noticed…I was on my own!

Thank goodness for the Grief Recovery Method (“GRM”) and it’s training. Now 11 months after my husband’s death, I am on this course with my friend Dianne taking myself through these steps. First 3 parts, educational. About how we are taught how to deal with grief, or as in most cases, not! And the last 3 parts how to heal the pain of your losses.

On the healing side, I learned that I also had to grieve my ‘hopes dreams and expectations’ of what future I had planned with Andrew. Logically yes, I know that he was dead, but there was this part of me that had not made that connection and it was yet to be grieved. When I did, I howled as much as the moment he died.

But I am also the person who observes myself! When we loose someone, there is so much trauma and shock, that the force of the current would be enough to “blow our brains out”. So the body drops dopamine on us to stop that from happening. This is why you experience a spacy feeling.

In that moment, you are feeling in a different time and space to everyone else. Their conversations can be like you are listening through a glass, it takes great effort to focus on their words, you can start to worry about “is there something wrong with me”. Then the clarity will come and you think, ok, nope, this must be grief.

There was also confusion. Trying to make sense of what has happened. Everything you knew has gone, (or at least that is how I felt). No matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to have the space to make a decision in your mind.

If you imagine your brain as a computer, it is like someone has gone around the back and pull most of the wires out. You have enough to turn it on, have it light up but nothing is working properly.

When I completed the GRM training, and grieved my hopes dreams and expectations, something strange happened. In that moment, I went inside of myself. I could feel a warmth rising up from my feet, through my body and when it got to my heart, I felt the pain I had been carrying like a knife, dissolve. The warmth continued up through my body and into my head. In my head those “computer wires” that had felt like they were floating for months, unable to make any connections, well in that moment, I could feel each one find a place to land and “plug back in”. The peace I felt in that moment was so connected and spiritual for me. I felt great. I felt like the block between Andrew and I had dissolved and I could “feel” him once more. That was so important for me.

Returning home, I also felt in another “place” to be with Pauline. I could be present to what I was now supporting her with as I felt should have been. I was able to have conversations with her about her process, buried or cremated. Answered her questions to the best of my ability about spirit. I understood that she did not want to think of nothingness. We spoke about a bigger connection and how much closer I now felt to Andrew since the course.

Also for me, how important it was that her children were spoken to and supported in the right way. The consequences of this can and does impact people and the way that they live their lives. For example, a child looses a pet, the parent replaced the pet “at the weekend” not stopping to talk to the child about their feelings towards the pet and companion that they have just lost. They may also have been offered a biscuit to help them “feel better” and told not to worry as they still have Fido the dog. So stop crying.

Let me break that down for you now. Firstly ignoring the child’s feelings and the opportunity to talk about grief, teaching them a more positive way to acknowledge allowing them to heal. Answer with, I am so very sorry for your loss of your friend, tell me, what will you miss the most….and open the conversation up. Acknowledging and letting that child know that they can talk to you. The idea of replacing a loss, means that they will learn to do this throughout life. An example not being done, can be seen in those that you know who have broken up with someone only to be with someone else a week or two later….or they look before ending up the relationship. They do not want to feel that pain.

The biscuit….you interrupt the process of grieving, you are a higher authority who they know/believe they can trust, you have just told them that this will make them feel better. They feel different, not better but then spend the rest of their lives believing that “food or things to comfort” will make them feel better. Mine was red wine and chocolate!

Stop crying. Well what else are you supposed to do when you’re crying? What can come from that is that people start to grieve alone because “no one wants to see them cry” and teaches them to be alone.

As Dianne and I looked back over our years of coaching, we could see clearly the effects of unresolved grief and what that had had on our previous clients. Understanding that any loss has an impact, small or to the more traumatic and the emotion is grief. But people put on masks, am alright, what we call “academy award recovery”.

Whether you are grieving or feel that you are not at this moment, understanding this emotion will help empower you. We all have challenges in life. These are mine which I share not so you think “poor Diane” (although that is sweet of you) I share these so you may now reflect on your own life. Any of these “trigger you”, take notice and empower yourself by asking for a coaching session.

Living with a long term illness of a partner

Miscarriage

Pet Loss

Career change

Death of grandparents

House move

Major change in family circumstances

Estranged Grandparent

Emotional journey of a business

Wanting to work together/spend less time working yet find you do more plus!

Have an au pair to look after your children for a year, when you know/feel it should be you

Sale of your first car (my independence)

Financial rollercoaster

Now some of those had a bigger impact for me that others but I know that they are all stages of grief. We are taught how to get things in life, but not what to do when we lose them.

Here are a few others that I haven’t personally experienced, but I know many would have.

Divorce

Children dying

Bankrupcy

Mortgage reclaims

Car reclaims

Parents estranged and the children perhaps living more with one than another parent.

I could go on. We can have up to 41 odd losses in our lives. The usual emotions that people ‘go to’ is Blaming themselves or others, Shaming themselves or others, or Justifying themselves or others. When in actual fact, take responsibility through kindness to yourself. You are/were grieving. That is where I come into your life with Results Coaching.

You just need to acknowledge/notice that this is what you have been doing, decide that you no longer like the way that feels to you, and want to make changes. You want to get fitter, you hire a Personal Trainer. You know to succeed needs accountability, or you want to run more, you get a running coach. Your mind is no different. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not broken, you just have not had the training you need to help you at this moment.

If you do nothing, how does this impact you in your business? Your team? Your relationships? Your children? The way you live your life? Fear or empowerment? Reacting to everything or responding?

I never, ever want anyone to think that there is no one “out there” for them when they are struggling with grief or their ‘life’s challenges’. I never want anyone to feel that hurt, pain or want to take action, without knowing that there are people like me out there that can help support you.

Yes I know that there are therapists, etc and if you need that level of support then please do reach out to them. Do something, do what feels right for you. But know this, there are coaches who specifically help in this area, just like me. Read Michelle’s story. Having seen a therapist, she reached out to me for coaching.

I offer two approaches to my business, Grief Coaching and Results Coaching, helping you Bust Through Life’s Challenges.

www.lifeafterlossiom.com www.resultscoachingiom.com or podcasts anchor.fm/d369

Diane@lifeafterlossiom.com Diane@resultscoachingiom.com

Also Facebook, LinkedIn, and Youtube channel: Busting Through Life’s Challenges

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or would like to discuss in confidence, your current circumstances. Book a free call https://calendly.com/diane-227/invitation-to-talk

Or see my website and come and join me on my next free workshop

Bye for now

Diane

This was the start of Michelle’s Story, by Michelle:
When you read this, please bare in mind that at the time, Michelle was just 25 years of age. When we started working together, she was just 27.

Today is not a good day. Today is my worst day so far this year, I don’t know why today is my worst day, I woke up in a good mood and then I BINGED and BINGED until I felt sick and horrible. I then went back to bed to try and sleep and forget how horrible I felt but it didn’t work. I have cancelled on Becky because I feel too disgusting to leave the house.
I have DEPRESSION. I have an EATING DISORDER. I need to get better. I will get better. I will get better. I will get better. I need to feel like me again. I’m just a little lost at the moment, I just need to get a grip on myself and sort my life out.
GET BETTER MICHELLE ONLY YOU CAN MAKE ME HAPPY AGAIN. PLEASE DO THIS. GET BETTER.
I need to get up now and go down stairs and work out what to do next.
This is my diary entry the day I got in touch with Diane Parker. What I did next was crawl down the stairs, I found my phone book and wrapped myself in a blanket and cried. Eventually when I stopped crying I phoned for help.

It was five years ago when my parents went through a very traumatic separation ending in an equally traumatic divorce. The whole family experienced lies, deceit, heart break and anger. There were false accusations, arrests, restraining orders and violence. There were even suicide threats, attempts and missing persons. With all of this going on I was the person desperately trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together. I just about managed to remain in control enough to support my brother, sister and my parents whilst my parents were destroying themselves, each other and our family, but nothing prepared me for what happened next. Both parents just left the country my dad overseas and my mum to the UK, abandoning my little sister who has special needs and mental health issues, no warning, no explanation and no forwarding address.
Not knowing where to turn or what to do, I moved into the family home put it up for sale and took on the role of Jenny’s full time carer. Both of our lives turned completely upside down we struggled through and got on with life. I then had to juggle being in full time employment and a full time carer. I lost all my freedom, free time and social life. I was consumed with hate and anger towards both of my parents but I managed. My life was no longer my own but I made sure Jenny was as happy, healthy and as mentally fit as she could be. We joined the Special Olympics, I saw social workers, psychiatrist, anything I could think of to help Jenny through this time. What I didn’t do was look after myself in fact I completely lost myself, my identity and my love of life.

In 2010 I reached breaking point and couldn’t see any way out of my despair. I went to my GP and broke down; I was then quickly referred to a psychiatrist who told me in no uncertain terms I had to be on anti-depressants. This was not the path I wanted to take but not knowing what else to do I took them, but only for a couple of weeks as they made me paranoid, shaky and all together ill. Not knowing where else to turn, I looked in the phone book; luckily for me and my sister this led me to Diane.

From me:

Michelle I am sure you would agree was extremely brave to write that for me and indeed her need to help people like herself is so very important.

So the “presenting problem” is one that is easy to say, right, I have a weight problem. When I met Michelle, she was on the sofa, wrapped up as I sat and listened to her story. I had to harness the “mother in me” as she was so young to have this burden, but she had took it all on and had done her best to that point to manage the situation.

I worked with Michelle to give her steps of action, for herself, for social services and for her sister. We put boundaries in place to manage some of the above, created time and space for her to spend quality time with her sister instead of filling that time with all the jobs that any parent has to do around the house, shopping etc.

Created social time for her to reconnect with friends, follow a healthy eating programme of simple clean living while at each session we would work on her challenges. For example introductions would be along the lines of “oh, this is Michelle, she cares for her sister, she is autistic”, which of course made Michelle feel labelled as nothing more than a carer. We devised a response for those occasions which helped Michelle feel better and ready to deal with.

Through time, Michelle had become anxious, and meeting up with friends a big issue. We started working through decluttering her space, wardrobe and makeup. I started having her as I do many clients, working on the bedroom. It is the place that you rest your soul at night, and Michelle would often crawl in under a pile of clothes, cleaned and ready to be ironed…..but it was just easier to slide in under this pile. This was representing the weight of the world on her at that time.

Michelle did have an inner strength for improving her life, she had embarked albeit added to her overwhelm with a degree in psychology. Typical of someone who wants to try and get better along with helping others…
I didn’t know until after we had finished working together at that time, that she had visited a psychiatrist prior to phoning me. But she knew that the pills would not solve her problems. Only she could with support.

We did that work over the first 3 months and during the process we created a vision board. Something I love taking my clients through. On that she put that she wanted to travel. We discussed how that might happen, and she placed the pictures on her board, with clothes and makeup. By the following week, Michelle had been contacted by a friend who was out in Mexico and a holiday arranged! I am always in ore on how quickly these things happen!
This was May and the holiday set for September. We had further sessions spread out to keep accountability and support in place. Then the holiday. Michelle loved it and her friend returned with her. She then made an announcement. I want to go again, this time, to South Africa to swim with sharks, get my paddy diving certificate, while I am there build a hut for a charity or something, then pop over to Australia.

I sat there in awe of this beautiful young lady and though about how far she had come in just the 6 months. And she did. Planned and worked out how she was going to do this to put things in place for her sister and off she went. Pictured above is Michelle using what she had learned with me, creating a hut in one week which normally takes three! I will share more of these stories on my podcast.

When she came back we did sessions on other things that she wanted in her life, a husband and family of her own. She still felt that this would be so hard with her sister being part of the package. I reminded her of how far she had come, in fact blew me away…..and she just needed a new vision board with the man who is caring and understands the life she has and is happy to join her.

A few months later, another tip to Australia, returning with her future husband. They now live happily on the IOM with two lovely boys. Yes they have their challenges, and her first response is often, what would Diane say…..then if unsure books another session. And Yes, I got my Cilla moment!

I would like to thank Michelle for her honesty and openness during the journey. Michelle will soon be a guest on my show.