I decided to use just that one word.
I put out a poll asking my group what topics they would like me to cover, and this one topped the pole by an astonishing amount.
Loneliness can mean so many things to people, each holding their own perspectives from their own experiences. From sitting in an empty house to sitting in a room full of people, yet still feeling alone.
I had never really experienced loneliness myself, it had become more a space for me to do something for me, from riding my bike to having ownership of the remote control! My life had been full of people.
Yet I could relate to the other experiences, such as sitting in a room with someone, who had become distant, and so, in that moment felt alone. It didn’t last but touched me.
It did not even hit me after Andrew died, not for some years.
After he died, my sister was ill, and I was trying to deal with the grief I was feeling. Still no space for loneliness, I was keeping busy, although not on purpose, there was much to do and sort. After Pauline died, I renovated a property, and then in the winter of 2019, some 3 years after my husband died, I realised I was lonely.
I did not like this feeling at all. That is when I did “keep busy”. I would try and fill my weekends, walking Ruby, helping at swing dancing workshops, all to avoid being on my own. But Sunday’s were a challenge, particularly on wet Sunday’s.
As much as friends made offers to “call around anytime”, the one time I did that I felt like I was intruding, so I didn’t like to do that again. Everyone was busy getting on with their own families, as indeed they should. My sons would be having the day with their own partners and family. (Two granddaughters). I would drop around to see my parents for a few hours, but then there was the rest of the day.
All those times I thought what I would do if I had time to myself, read a book, do a jig saw, in some way they felt like I would be wasting time. One thing that I had been focusing on since Andrew died was not to waste any time, it is so precious. I know now, that was putting pressure on me too, having that perspective.
So I turned to the garden for the most part, with Ruby at my side, unless of course, it was raining.
Those were the worse days. After months of this feeling, I decided that I had had enough, that I needed to take action. I was starting to feel more like my old self in every other area of my life and to be fair, some friends on their own were saying how hard it would be to have others in their space. That also frightened me a little. I did not want to get that comfortable either.
It suddenly dawned on me that I was not on my own, that there would be others like me “out there” in the same boat. I had already dipped my toe in the online dating scene and decided that that was not for me at all. People saw “widow” and thought “vulnerable”. It was nice to have people to talk to, but I decided I was not looking for a relationship, but company, people in a similar boat.
Having recently done my marketing course and getting more familiar with face book. I decided that one thing I could do was create a group, which I did and called this group Isle of Man Finding Friends Over 50.
At first I had made this for those who were single but it soon came apparent how many other people were lonely. I was contacted by a gentleman who looked after his wife. She had dementia and he wanted people to just talk to. So many who were not looking for relationships, but company. I made that adjustment and within two weeks the group had grown to over 120 people. We ended up with a ‘making friends event’ and a Christmas do for charity, raising between the two over £1,000.
I simply made sure that all applying to join the group were from the Isle of Man, agreed to the simple rules similar to those adopted by face book, and the group grew. We now have over 420 members. We use the events section to create something say a coffee meeting, placing day and time, and then people just let you know if they are coming along. Movies, meals out, walks (with or without a dog), cycling, bridge, dancing, and the latest, a book exchange. I have just created a live dance challenge in the group. What would you like to do?
I share that because if you are indeed reading this and find yourself lonely in your area, then you can set your own up.
What got you to that space in the first place? Are you an introvert? You know, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. Are you telling yourself that you are sad today, because the truth is that you feel lonely? Telling yourself to “get out” will be hard but one of the best things you can do for yourself.
Before the group started, I sat in that space and thought, I need to go out and meet new people. I had always had a passion for dancing. (I am a believer of thoughts becoming things!) I decided that I wanted to learn how to do a jive. Next there is a post on face book for a workshop “first time in the Isle of Man, Learn to Swing Dance”. I was hooked, but I couldn’t get to the workshop as my first granddaughter was to be christened.
Soon after it was announced that the classes would be starting in what was once a night club in Douglas. I said to myself, go. When you face the vulnerability, the fear, magic can happen. I did just that. I put the shoes my late sister had given me to dance in on, and off I went.
Now, I am used to meeting people. It’s what I do. But when you are facing learning something new, that can seem a challenge. I rose to that and smashed it. They were so welcoming, you got to dance with everyone (no partner necessary) and by the end of the night had a little routine going. I was elated, I was buzzing for days……its now my 3rd year and I just love it. The people are lovely, sociable and we have so many dos.
And that dear reader is also how I met my partner Rob. He joined my group IOM Finding Friends Over 50, and saw that I liked swing dancing. We had an event on in Castletown, he rocked up to see what Swing Dancing was before committing…..then turned up at classes.
So you don’t know where pushing through your vulnerability to go out and meet people can change your world from feelings of loneliness to joy.
For the month of December I will be looking into this topic with several people and asking how they cope with loneliness and what action they take. For me, the best way to change a state is to own it, then you can take action towards what you want.
Much love
Diane x