Hi I have recently been talking with a few people about their relationships, some have lead to divorce. Some of these people were still heart broken as they “had know idea” of what their partner was thinking, until it was “too late”.
I for one do not think that any thing is too late – until it is! Death is pretty final, right? But some of these heart broken people have gone on to new relationships, some are still struggling, why? Unresolved grief. Some of these people had not identified that they had had a “loss” in the sense that they did not recognise that they were grieving! Loss of trust, loss of hopes, dreams and expectations of their future together.
Some carry the guilt of making the decision to end the relationship, and in some cases then rushed into new relationships (especially if their new partner was the reason for the break-up of the previous relationship) without first healing themselves.
To anyone with knowledge of The Grief Recovery Method, it would be apparent that these people have been taught to “replace the loss” and had not finished processing their loss. This is where the Grief Recovery Method will help you with those relationships, to find peace leading to closure. After that, should you need to “clean up” your current relationship, you can do the process again with your relationship with your new partner.
Think about this, if you are ‘still angry’ with your old partner – and they have moved on, who is that affecting? How is that impacting on your health? Are you sleeping? You may have had well meaning friends saying “Oh there is plenty more fish in the sea”. These people have learned to replace the losses in their lives. They want to support you and think this will help ease your pain, but it will not. Why? Because it was your heart that was broken, not your head!
Life in fear of your feelings no more, reach out to someone and work on having closure so that you can be at peace. Give it time??? Time is not a healer – action is! If you had a puncture, would you sit in front of the wheel saying give it time – the air will go back in! I’ve put a plaster on the hole!
In the Grief Recovery Method, you are taken through steps to understand how you feel and have been taught in respect of loss. We are taught how to “acquire” things but not what to do if they are then lost.
I am really enjoying seeing these people have their light bulb moments, healing their hearts and finding peace. Of course the effect of immediate family members can also be healed when doing this work.
This is an extract from a recent feedback sheet.
Di has helped me and my family regain our closeness and made me realise that I am only responsible for making myself happy!
Di showed me that issues in my past can affect my present and future and helped me to address things that I didn’t think were causing me pain. Thank you for helping bring our family back together..
I love my JOB! Can’t really call it that though – I have too much fun helping people create their own peace.
After managing to get a few lessons from my Webmaster, here I am, finally posting my first blog. You can find out more about me from the main website, but this is a place for me to just share my thoughts.
Being “on my own” after 31 years has proven so many difficult challenges which I have had fantastic help and support with. The first thing I would say is if you need help, find the brave person in side and just ask someone. For years I though I had to do everything myself – I should know, but the truth is we don’t. If we take that deep breath and say “can you help me” it is truly amazing what doors open with the right kind of people who walk into your life. I am always in gratitude of these people, who became close friends.
My first experience of the right person sliding into my life and has continued to be there for me, supporting, guiding and sharing my journey completely is Di Lewis. I asked for help for my massage clients who were experiencing meltdowns on the massage table. I wanted to find something to help these clients, and NLP crossed my path and with that Dianne. Di has been with me every step of the way on my journey, and we often work together. Again she is the reason why I ended up doing the Grief Recovery Method, knowing the pain I was in having lost Andrew, and 3 months later, my little sister was diagnosed with cancer. Now we offer talks together on the GRM. My gratitude for this lady is never-ending. We were brought together at the right time to support each other. Actually asking for help though can be a challenge, if you are not used to that!
One of the first that I reached out to was Lynn Kelly from Nedbank Private Wealth. There is a scheme called Investors in People which Nedbank Private Wealth are proud owners of the Gold Award, and have been for many years. They work with staff and their well-being. Lynn understands that in doing this, that the staff will feel more supported and therefore appreciated resulting in happier workers. She had me come in a few times for bespoke talks which really helped build my confidence at presentations. Pictured above. Training me too, ha ha.
The next big “impact-ers” in my life is my lawyer and friend Mark Humphrey of Long and Humphrey. Mark along with his wife Joyce cared for and supported me and my husband in our last years together like I would never have imagined. Mark helped us organise my husbands Will and estate, before and after his passing. I would highly recommend him if you yourself have not yet had a Will made. I was grateful that Andrew had sorted his Will, I just hope that he was happy with my funeral arrangements.
After my loss, my next concern was my financial future. Typically I have dipped my toe into trying to build wealth in the past but things had not gone to plan. I was even told that I was too old to get a pension! Thank goodness I found Julie Owen through another friend, Russell Collister. I knew that Russ was very experienced in the financial world, but not in the area that I was looking for support. Thank goodness for Julie.
Julie Owen helped me by first giving me a book to read called “Enough” by Paul D Armson. Even the gesture of giving me the book I knew that I had found the right person to support me. Julie was interested in me – not what I potentially had (or didn’t have) in my financial pot. The book and Julie work on the premise of working on your own financial plan to work out “how much is ENOUGH” for YOU! Wow, big pressure off the expectations that I had had gained over the last 10 years of what I was supposed to earn/create as wealth. Finances had always been an issue for me. My hubby would say its not money you hate Di, it’s the lack of it! Of course he was right. I had so many plans I wanted to create with him, and I still do! I have always felt rich in every other aspect of my life, the love I have know, the children we have had and the beautiful place that I live. This one area of my life really alluded me.
I set about the tasks that Julie set me – and read the book. I then did the Grief Recovery Method on my finances! You can do this method on anything that you are struggling with as it helps identify your patterns of behaviour. As with most people, we do have patterns that we would like to end! All of this helped me get a new perspective of my relationship with money/finances. What was interesting was that I started off “on the subject of money” and it soon came around to me! The language changed part way through.
So why have I identified these four people in particular? Because there are a few things that my hubby and I did that if we had had the knowledge I believe we would have done a few things differently.
As he was ill, and while not always displaying this, we knew it was “there” we decided to save our funds for holidays to create memories for our sons. After all these are the only things that we ever leave behind of meaning. What does someone think and feel of you when you are no longer here? It would have been good to have had a good savings plan, paid monthly that would have helped either one of us – should one pass before the other. He would not have managed to get critical health, but I have now. I guess it comes down to what makes you feel secure in order that you can just stop worrying about the “what ifs” for you. We had life insurance while the mortgage was with us, but that stopped when the mortgage was paid. A small amount each month would have helped me (or him if I had gone first) if we had just look into continuing this or a similar plan.
Ideally I know that if we had spoken to of Julie Owen before his passing, we would have still had the holidays to create the memories, but a comfort blanket. What I didn’t realise is that there is no longer a Widows pension. That sucks! So if you loose someone and have no plans in place you are expected to just get back out to work. How productive do you really thing that you will be under those circumstances! Really, call Julie Owen! 07624 466788
Do you have a Will? Andrew and I had parts of the Will sorted. We were in the middle of sorting some other things out like our bank accounts, when he passed. A friend Brian Stott advised him to put all our accounts into joint names or just use the single ones for “pocket money surprises”. This saves money with probate or delays to access their account. Now I know that may seem callus but here is why.
My lawyer Mark said look at his bank statements, go through them to identify what bills he has that you need to cover/take over. That was the first problem. Andrew had gone paperless! I did not have access to his aps or log in for the accounts to see this information. I went down to the bank and fortunately a friend was behind the counter. She took me into a room to a manager to discuss my needs. A lovely chap who when I shared my predicament looked almost shocked as the reality of what we are now creating crossed his own mind! Of course he couldn’t help until the probate had happened but guided me as best he could. I also think he changed a few things at home! Even if you do not want to share this information with your partner right now, put the information in a place that can be accessed if you die – or in a sealed envelope with a lawyer! Along with your Will! 01624 651951 is Mark’s number or Long & Humphrey.com
As for Lynn and Di I am grateful to them for their continued support. Both of them help me with not just their love but contacts for work. Not everyone wants to say I need help – I need to talk to someone, but really do – ask your trusted friends who would they go to for support? Here is a quick list for you to just have somewhere safe at home that will help your loved ones.
Your Will – a copy or the name of the Lawyer to contact. I personally would advise you to use a non family member to be your executor as that can be tricky and not save money if the Will is contested.
Your funeral – How would you want your funeral to be? What songs would you want? Interned or cremated? Black or colour attire? Eulogy. I often think it would be fun to do a video and start it with “only joking” I’m on holiday in paradise!
Your personal documents – tidy up your financial affairs and have them in one place. Put instructions if you feel it would help guide those who are grieving and trying to sort this out for you.
My Webmaster said to not write more than 2000 words or you will get bored reading this….sorry I have no idea how long this is, but I do hope that you have found some useful information here.
